You exercise every day fanatically and eat super healthy. Your partner is a couch potato champion and loves chips. Does that work? Read Natasja's story here.
A few years ago Natasja (44) threw her lifestyle drastically:she eats healthy, exercises every day and loses a lot of kilos. Her friend John has to get used to that to say the least. Where they used to snack together in front of the TV in the evening, Natasja can now mainly be found in the gym. “When I started working out with a personal trainer, the fence was completely off,” she says. “John thought it was total nonsense and a waste of money. When I came home sweaty after a tough workout, he yelled at me from the couch that I didn't look good. It didn't get really cozy on such an evening."
Fortunately things are getting better now. Natasja still cooks healthy meals during the week and no snacks are served on the table, but at the weekend they get fries and occasionally snack. “We have found a balance to be together despite our differences. Of course it sometimes annoys me that he hangs in front of the TV so much, but he in turn sometimes gets annoyed by my umpteenth sports session † After almost thirty years of being together, we will find our way. For example, I no longer mope in a corner when John closes the curtains on a nice day and watches series for hours, but I call a hiking friend and go out on my own. The Friday evenings are worth their weight in gold:while I teach a line dance class, he provides the music and afterwards we go ballroom dancing. Then we are a fantastic team and I really feel connected to him.”
Whether you are a fanatic sustainability fighter and your partner is significantly less green, or you live a very healthy life and he would rather be lazy than tired - the fact is that significant differences in lifestyle present a tough challenge to keep it cozy in your relationship. We would prefer a partner who is a fantastic lover, our best friend and who also shares all our values and standards. According to relationship psychologist Nina Oudshoorn, this is a typical phenomenon of our time. “In the past, we mainly opted for an economic partner, with whom we also ran a family. Nowadays we look for everything in one person:a stable base, a lover and a buddy. So:are you annoyed by the active sports regime from your partner or do you hate his nonchalant attitude when it comes to the climate? Ask yourself whether it is really essential for you to be aligned on that specific point, or whether it is also fine to differ from each other.”
That can work best if you have a different lifestyle than your partner, show the story of Danique (36). She has been a vegan for years and lives in Barcelona nine months a year. There she also met her boyfriend Humberto, a Chilean who is used to eating a lot of meat. “The fact that Humberto doesn't eat a plant-based diet has never been a problem for me. I'm fine with being with someone who makes different choices than I do. From the beginning of our relationship, I introduced him to vegan cuisine. Whether I serve tempeh, a vegan tortilla or a dish with jackfruit – he loves it all.” Especially in the beginning of their relationship, Danique and Humberto talked a lot about her reasons for not eating animal products anymore. "It's nice that he is open to my way of eating and has started eating less meat himself," says Danique. “He occasionally eats kebabs with friends or chooses a meat dish when we eat together in a restaurant. I try not to disturb that and I remember at those moments that I once ate meat and thought that was quite normal. Everyone can make their own choices. I would rather there be a lot of people who eat less meat like him, than there are only a few people who eat completely plant-based. Sometimes I have to swallow twice when I have to cook at his house in a pan in which fish has been fried. Or if we have to search for a long time for a restaurant where we can both eat well. Flexibility is the magic word for me to keep things cozy together.”
According to Nina Oudshoorn, that attitude is exactly what is needed to continue to work well together, despite differences. “The moment a lifestyle is so important that it is the truth for you, a relationship with someone who has a different lifestyle can be difficult. Problems arise especially if you are not willing to compromise. Of course it's nice if you share all your beliefs and hobbies you can share with your loved one, but in practice that is more often than not the case. I love to cook, for example, but my husband doesn't enjoy stirring pans at all. I can whine about it and hate it for a long time, but I can also choose to share my love for cooking with others. I now have friends who love to cook as much as I do. As long as you share enough aspects of life, it is wise to accept that there are also aspects that you cannot share in your relationship. It's okay if you're different, as long as you accept and appreciate each other's differences.” •
Stay curious about each other. According to the well-known relationship therapist Esther Perel this attitude makes it easier to respect each other's ideas and you run less risk of getting into a yes/no battle. If you genuinely empathize with what the other person thinks and moves, you will also be able to muster more empathy for a different way of thinking. Have faith in yourself. A healthy dose of self-confidence makes you less sensitive to the opinion of others, such as that of your partner. You don't need the approval of others for the way you live your life leads. If a difference in lifestyle regularly derails into annoying accusations or a conflict, that can be a sign that you are insecure.
Text Marlies Willemze, Image:Getty Images
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